Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year

Happy New Year and Lots of good Cheer in 2011!

Love Brian, Kellie, Kayla, and Baby Boy Brumble on the way!

Monday, December 27, 2010

It's A Boy!

I'm a boy!
My sweet little profile!

Glad to announce we are having another baby boy! I can not wait to meet our sweet little peanut growing inside of me. We are still debating on a name for him. We've narrowed it down to 2 names (I think). Brian changes his mind every week, so we may end up with a completely different name in a few months. And if you know my husband, he's not very serious when it comes to names. All during my pregnancy with Austin he called him Oxford King Brumble. This pregnancy he's stuck with Neyland Kenan Brumble. Notice the 2 names.... Neyland for Neyland Stadium for Tennessee Vols Football, and Kenan for UNC's Football stadium. Now can you see, WHY its so hard to pick out names with him. :) Hopefully we'll have a name soon. I'm ready to call him a name, and not HIM all the time.

Enjoy the pictures from the ultrasound. I had to retake the pictures on my camera so not the best quality pictures, but you can still see the his cuteness.


Happy Holidays from the Brumble's

I've been slacking on my blogging. Life has been a whirl wind these past few weeks. I moved from Southport, started a new part-time job all in the same week, started coaching a group of sweet young ladies with East Carolina Volleyball Club, and then came the Christmas festives. Not to mention, my dad had a heart-attack last week, which sent me and my family running around like mad people helping finish his shopping and moms shopping. Glad to say, he is doing good, and we managed to get it all pulled together in less than 48 hours. Very thankful God let us spend "His" day at home and not in a stuffy hospital room. God truly blessed us this holiday season and I could not thank him more. Dad's making progress, My new job is going great, got everything and more that I wanted from Santa, and spent it all in the comfort of our home with a family that I love more than anything in this world.

Hope everyone had a great CHRISTmas and Santa brought you all you wanted and more.


Friday, November 26, 2010

What Is Perfect?

I wonder at times what makes for the perfect life. People are always bragging about the perfect husband, the perfect family, and the perfect kids. But really, are they all so perfect or do they paint us a picture of happiness that we wish we had? My life is not perfect, I will be honest to say that. I struggle day-to-day to make sense of life. To be quite honest with everyone, I have more bad days than good days. My grieving stages are like a roller coaster. Some days I can make sense of things, and then their are days like today when I just want to be shut out from the rest of the world. I want to crawl in my little box and not be bothered with anything. I know I'm difficult during these days, because my attitude and patience is short. One little thing will trigger me and I'm quick to say what's on my mind not even thinking about whom I may be hurting. I just don't care.

Yesterday at Thanksgiving I sat there watching my cousins 2 little boys and niece run around the house playing. Sitting in front of the tree taking pictures together, sitting with Grandma smiling and posing for pictures. It was the sweetest thing to see, however I don't think I broke a smile. All I could do was think about little Austin. He would be 13 months old, trying to walk and crawl right behind all 3 of them. I kept thinking, "this is not fair." Why does my little buddy have to be gone? Why were we picked to lose at child? I know the holiday's will never be the same, because a piece of my heart is gone. A piece that will never be replaced no matter how many children I have in the future. I am thankful that God is giving me a chance to be a mother again, and this baby is wanted more than words can explain. I pray everyday that He will let me keep this precious peanut growing inside of me. All I can do is keep the faith, trust in the Big Man, and wait to see what He has in store for me.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What to do now

As many of you know, I am currently working towards a Middle School Mathematics teacher certification. I started this program 2 years ago, when I couldn't seem to find a decent job in Wilmington, NC. See I have a Bachelor Degree in Exercise Sports Science from ECU, and I sent over 4 years working as an Exercise Specialist at a Wellness Center in Greenville. The pay was pretty good, so when I started looking in the Wilmington area for work, I knew I was not going to get the income I once had. So I took jobs here and there, and tried to make it work. I hated all of them. I spent more hours traveling from our home in Southport to Wilmington than I did working sometimes. I was putting miles on my car, spending too much on gas, not to mention having to plan an hour drive around my schedule at work. It was frustrating and the more days I had to do it, the more I dreaded it. I finally convinced Brian that it would be cheaper for me to stay at home, considering I was only making $200.00/week and then spending $150.00 in gas each week.

I decided that going back to school would be my best option. If we were planning to stay in the area, I was not going to get a decent job unless I pursued my teaching certification. So, I did what I had been debating for a few years..... I went back to college.

The first semester I took 12 hours. I ended up dropping one class because I didn't understand my teacher's way of teaching. Plus I was teaching aerobics early in the am and in the late evening. By the time I got home I was exhausted and couldn't find time to study. My grades were suffering and I knew I couldn't start my first semester off on a bad note. I hung tough in my other 3 classes and end up with a 2.9GPA. Still not, what I needed for my fresh-start program, but I decided to keep trying.

After last fall (2009), I had brought my GPA from a 2.9, up to a 3.4. I thought ok, you are getting it. You're putting the time in, you're getting the grades, and you're doing it all with screaming infant in your hands. I felt I could master it all. My strength was stronger than I thought. Being a mom and a student was tough, but I was making it happen.

This past Spring Semester (2010), early into the semester Brain and I lost Austin. I wasn't sure what to do. Do I drop all my classes? Do I keep going? Well, I decided I needed to keep going. I'm not going to say it was easy, but I managed to get a C and B out of my 2 math classes. By the end of the semester I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. I didn't have any goals anymore. I didn't have anyone to work hard for. What use to mean so much to me, was gone. I had lost a child; my love of teaching and coaching was gone. I knew I needed some time just for myself to get myself back on track. I took the summer off and to be honest, I did miss school. I was eager for the fall to start so I could start back and get closer to my goal of becoming a Middle School Math teacher.

Now, I'm at the end of my Fall 2010 Semester. I have 2 weeks left of school, and I am finding myself struggling to even care. Since Brian was transferred back to Greenville, I have been working with a lady in the Education Department at ECU to transfer my classes from UNCW and work on a plan of study to keep moving forward with my teacher certification. I knew a few more classes were required in the ECU program, so I knew it was going to take a little longer than the plan at UNCW. What I didn't know, was that NONE of my CORE EDUCATION classes would transfer to ECU. Which means all 15 hours of classes do not matter and the program at ECU goes from 5 extra classes, to 20 extra classes. Which means more time, more money, and more frustration. So I'm stuck with the decision now of......Do I keeping working on the teacher certification, or do I just start over with a completely new program? I can get a 2 year degree from Pitt Community College and make twice the income as a teacher, or do I spend more money taking the "SAME" type of classes at ECU. So my question to myself is, "WHAT TO DO NOW?" What direction should I go? What is the Best option for me and my family?


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I Miss

I miss those sweet little checks.
I miss those sweet little fingers.
I miss those cute little ears.
I miss those sweet little lips.
I miss those big blue eyes.
I miss that sweet little smile.
I miss our snuggle times.
I miss everything about you.
I miss you more than words will ever explain.
Mommy just really misses you today!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Making It Official

Baby Brumble is on the way. We are currently 11 weeks along, measuring right on schedule. Expected due date is May 27, 2011. Same day as Brian's mom's Birthday. Needless to say we are all very excited and scared at the same time. We are so thankful that God has blessed us with another bundle of joy and is giving us the chance to be parents again. 39 weeks left and praying that we continue to stay healthy and progress according to schedule. We already love he/she so much and can not wait to meet them.


Friday, October 29, 2010

WIth a Smile

Many of you are probably wondering how we made it through Austin's Birthday Celebration last week. Three words....... With a Smile. No tears were shed on my part. I had this unexplainable feeling of joy. I knew God was taking care of me and giving me the strength to make it threw. I know our little man is in a wonderful place. A place that is free of worry, crazies, and evil. God has him and they are playing in his garden. Oh, how I can't wait to be up there playing too. In time we will see you again sweet angel. Keep shinning on mommy and daddy. We love you. Forever In Our Hearts.

The picture in this post is from Servant Hearts. A cute little booth in Artisans.
Check them out at servanthearts.com


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

2 more days

Yes, I'm counting the days down until Austin's 1st Birthday. I'm still a little nervous about Thursday. I had a little melt down yesterday at Jersey Mike's while eating lunch. Thinking back to last October 19th when I was sitting in the doctors office with my blood pressure 190/100 waiting impatiently for them to send me over to the hospital. I gained 20 pounds in one week, and I couldn't even see the bones in my feet because they were so swollen. I kept telling the doctors in our practice that something was not right. I didn't spend 4 years learning BP readings and working another 5 years doing BP reading and educating people of what is a good BP and what is not for nothing. My normal BP before having Austin, always ran 96/65. Never higher and never lower. Always on the low end. So when I noticed that it continuously kept creeping at each doctors appointment I knew something was going on. Of course my brilliant doctor (sense the humor) told me to cut back on sodium and drink more water. Really? Was all I thought. I still workout, I still teach aerobics, I still eat healthy, and all I drink is water. I guess that's why they pay him the BIG bucks, to tell a pregnant woman with a BP of 190/100 to eat less sodium. Still angers me.

Ok I'll get back to my purpose......

Thursday, October 21, 2010 is Austin's 1st Birthday. It's a day that Brian and I will have to spend without our baby boy. I know god is looking out for us, and I keep praying that he holds our hands a little tighter on Thursday. I will never forget October 21, 2009. 8 hours of labor, a lot of pain, and a sweet little angel that was given to us. We could only hold him for 3 months, but he will forever be in our hearts. I'd give anything to have him here with us.... ANYTHING!


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Approaching The Day

I've always loved Halloween. The kids, the costumes, the pumpkin patches, and the beautiful fall colors. Last year this time, we were hoping Austin would be here before Halloween so we could dress him up in a cute little outfit. I delayed us buying an outfit, because his due date wasn't til November 4th. We had decided to get one if he came early, and if not, well.... it was ok too. Thinking this Halloween would be more fun. Unfortunately that is not the case. Brian and I are having to go through another first without our sweet Austin. Our first Halloween without our baby boy. A baby that would be crawling and trying to walk at this time. A baby that would be learning how to say mommy and daddy, and many other words and sounds in our crazy world.

October 21st is approaching faster than we want it too. We knew this day was gonna come, we just don't know how we will feel on that day. We miss our baby boy so so much. Each day continues to be a struggle of ups and downs. Brian and I manage to take it day-by-day. Some days I just don't know how we are going to make it to the next. The pain may be more bearable, but the pain of not having your child continues to weigh heavily on our hearts.

Thinking about Austin as I drove to my counseling appointment today, what should be Austin's 1st Birthday is only 14 days away.

God, Please help us as we approach Austin's 1st Birthday without him.


Thursday, September 30, 2010

The moving begins...

We moved most of what Brian will need to Greenville last weekend. He's going to live behind my aunt and uncle in their barn that has been turned into a very cute one bedroom apartment. My cousin and his wife lived there for a little while and fixed it up super cute. We are very thankful for my family to extend this place to Brian for now, and to me once I get back to Greenville in December. Its perfect for us until we figure out where and what we want to do once we are together again. I am beyond ecstatic about moving home. I just wish I could go with Brian next week, but a little distance may be good for us. (haha)

I will have to admit, it felt strange watching Brian pack up our things and then both of us deciding what he needed and wanted, and what I needed and wanted. I got a little emotional, because I felt like he was leaving me. My heart hurt a little. I guess I never expected to see Brian leave for a few months, especially with out me. Plenty of married couples do this everyday, so I know we can weather this storm as well. Well, I guess its not a storm, but a small delay in moving forward. Something we have wanted and prayed for, for a while now. Just another sign that God is doing his magic, and that Baby Austin is holding our hands with each step.

So here we go, Brian officially moves this weekend and starts his new position on Monday. Should be an easy transition for him. He worked in the Greenville Sherwin Williams store for 4 years, so he knows a little about the contractors and company's he will work with. I'm excited for him. He is meant to be a sales rep. He can talk to anything and isn't scared. Good thing one of us is more extroverted than the other. I could care less about trying to sell something (hehe).

Keep us all in your prayers as we start a new POSITIVE phase in our life.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Remembering last year at this time....

Last year at this time I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of Austin. I was getting bigger, he was getting bigger in my belly, and all I kept thinking was I can't wait to see that sweet face. I was wobbling around the volleyball court with my girls trying to still hit balls at them, when I knew all to0 well I should be at home with my feet propped up and relaxing. But if you know me, you know that would NEVER happen, especially when I had a volleyball team that needed me.

Brian and I were eating dinner last night and I saw a lady come in that was probably 35 weeks plus pregnant. I told Brian, "Can you believe that was us last year this time?" He said, "I know, it all still seems so unreal." So unreal is right. I will never forget how I felt during those last few weeks, really who could, but it does seem like a lifetime ago. Last year this time we were overwhelmed with excitement, anticipation, and fear of how Austin would change our lives. Today, all we have our memories of the the precious time that God allowed us to have with our son.


Friday, September 17, 2010

Moving Home

Everyone get yourself ready, The Brumble's are moving back to Greenville. The best news we have had in a very long time. We have been trying so hard to get our house sold and at least move into Wilmington, but with the market we knew it was gonna take some time. Not to mention where we live is in the middle of no where. But, we finally got the prayer we have been asking for. Like they say, third times a charm. The last 2 opportunities just didn't land at a good time. I told Brian that when this 3rd opportunity came up a few weeks ago, that it really was too perfect. I have time to finish my volleyball season and finish the semester at UNCW. He has time to move and get adjustedto his new responsibilites before I can move, and work on the little things that he so desperately need right now.

I'm not gonna paint everyone a perfect picture, we struggle at times and losing Austin adds to that frustration. I was ready to give up and then God put this in our hands. His timing is always right when we need it, so I know he wants us to work through this together. He's answering our prayers and I can not be more excited.

We are moving home! I'm gonna be able to hopefully find a part-time job and continue working on my mathematics certification. I've got an awesome friend at South Central who wants me to help her with volleyball and I have other supporters asking me to get back involved in the volleyball community that I helped build for many years. All which make my smile a little bit wider. Right now I don't know what direction I will go, but I know God is listening. I ask him sometimes if he is, but I know he is and I can not wait to see what he has in store for me and my family!

What out Greenville, we are coming home. Back to my baby boy, back to my family, and back to great friends!


Friday, September 10, 2010

I have lost my marbles

How does a person (me) wake up, start studying for what I thought was going to be a quiz today, end up reading the clock wrong and completely throwing my schedule off track a whole hour? I don't know if it was the extra dose of Adderall, or if I'm just completely losing it. I have had a difficult week. Traveling with the volleyball team and then having tons of homework due, which might I add to you all, is all due online. Plus, I'm in class most of the day and an hour away from my house. I believe, no I know, I'm officially losing it. Good thing my teacher decided to not give a quiz this morning. I went in his office an hour late and was hoping to persuade him to let me take my quiz, but thank you sweet Jesus, he decided not to give one. My prayer on the way to school was answered. Thank you God! Sometimes I wonder if he's listening to me, but on this day he was..... I just hope I get my Brain back to normal. Stress is all I can think of.

Ready to get to Greenville, relax, watch football, and then get my brain refreshed for another crazy week. Whewwwwww........


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Beyond Frustrated

I'm beyond frustrated with my life right now.

I've got professors who think it's OK to have homework assignments due at 12am on Sunday nights (both classes).

I have a husband who thinks we can run around the world and back to watch every football game that is known to man.

I have a group of teenage girls who want to win at the game of Volleyball, but some of them (not all) don't want to change their approach to the game.

I have a huge test this Friday, that I haven't had time to study for yet. Let me remind you it's Wednesday night.

I have a quiz in my other Math class, which I missed today because I was too lazy to get out of bed and go! Yes I like my sleep and lately I don't give a flip what I have to do, I only want to do my own thing.

I have laundry that needs to be done before we leave for Greenville this weekend.

I have a house that is upside down, because I'm never home to clean it anymore.

I have a husband who doesn't know how to chill the F*** out and takes all his frustrations out on me. (Fair you ask? Not one bit!) I do EVERYTHING in our house except go to a job 60 hours a week. Which I'm sure would make him happy, but then again, it probably wouldn't.

I have a therapist, who does have some good pointer, but wants me to take DEEP breathes and SLOW down my mental process when times get tough. Yea, Its not working.... I'm sure you sense that in this post.

I need a housekeeper, I need a job, I need a more compassionate husband, I need a STRONG happy pill! And go ahead and add a HIGH dose of Aderall so I can find time to stay focused and get all my chores done, along with my school work.

"God," I ask, "Why do you feel that I can handle all of this? Can't you pick on someone else who is a little more stable? Please, pick on someone else before I have a mental break down at age 31." Thanks Kellie


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Finding my way

I've finally decided to get some help with my grieving. I'm currently in a state of confusion. I've had this feeling for a while. I'm not myself and I know I need someone to talk to or at least help me find myself again. I have been very hesitant on seeking advice from a complete stranger, but what can it hurt? If I don't like it, then I don't have to continue and if I do, well..... It can't do anything but help me. This is a HUGE stepping stone for me, because I don't like to ask people for help. I'm stubborn, that's the Meeks in me, we all are stubborn. So its in my blood to figure it out on my own and see where the road leads. I'm open to this new challenge, hopefully it will help. I have hit a huge huge big anxiety level. Everything and everyone takes my nerves up a notch. I find myself apologizing for snapping at someone or at something, and then I'm in tears because I know it wasn't nice. So I pray that "He" will help guide through this rough patch. And give me some relief on my anxiety with life. Lord please give me strength to become the person I use to be. I want to laugh, smile, and be happy again. It's all in your hands God!


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Making Things Happen

School started this week. I'm back to college yet again still trying to finish my Middle School/High School Mathematics certification. I'm getting closer. I love Math and I love the fact that I actually understand what my professors are teaching. Math has always been my subject of choice. I wish I had known 12 years ago that I liked teaching, but that's the saying "you live and you learn" Yep, I lived.... I worked...... and I finally decided my heart was in Education. I've still got to take the Praxis I and Praxis II, and I am beyond nervous about them both. I do not test well at all.... Never have. I just hope God will allow me the strength to get through both tests and put me in the place my heart is telling me I should be.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Missing Him so much

Today is one of those days. I miss sweet Austin so so much. I'm so tired of dealing with other people's crap and trying to stay in control of my own feelings. I have not been myself lately. I wish I could feel the happiness I know I deserve, but lately I feel the world is against me. Like I'm just riding outside the bubble and looking in. I know people say it all the time.... Time heals all.... I hope my happiness is returned.... I have to keep that in perspective.
The picture above is the hand and foot prints the nurse took of Austin on February 6, 2010. The picture is the last one I took of him before he left us..... I would give anything to see that sweet smile and hold and kiss those little hands and feet again...... ANYTHING!!
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you Little Man.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Young Team

Volleyball is officially up and running. We have played 4 matches and we are 1-3. Not exactly how I pictured us starting the season, but we have played 2 really good teams which should give us a bunch of experience going into our conference games. We are very young team with 5 freshman, 1 sophomore, 3 Juniors, and 1 senior. I was hoping for a bigger turn out, but in a private school its hard to get good numbers. Hopefully, we can get to winning and start to turn this season around. I'm sure we will be fine in a few weeks. The girls are working hard and I know in time good things will happen. That's why we put all those hours in a gym. Now if only I can get the parents to understand that their child NEEDS to be at practice everyday.... Not when they feel the need to come. I love my girls, but I miss the competitive training. I know one day I'll be back at that level, I just have to be PATIENT. Which if you know me, IS not my thing! But until then its back to the drawing board to figure out what and how we can get this season turned around! GO HURRICANES!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Volleyball has begun

Hi all, Sorry I haven't written in a while. I haven't been in the mood and really didn't have the words to put up on the screen. Brian and I just got back from family vacation with the Brumble clan. Lots of fun in the sun and laughing with everyone. We are out growing our usual head quarters, so we are all praying that we can convince a few to get a BIG house next year. A big house would be fabulous.

Well yesterday started a new season of volleyball at CAPE FEAR ACADEMY. Excited to get back in the gym, but lots of work and long hours in store. I use to be able to run all over that court with them, but 20 lbs heavier, sciatic nerve problems, and being out of Volleyball shape for having a baby last fall makes me look like a little turtle out there. Maybe this will get me back in shape. I run, lift weights, eat healthy, but volleyball shape is much much different. If you play you will understand stand.

Well off to get ready for another day of 3 hours of practice. So glad when we get everyone in the gym and back to par. I can do so much more in 2 hours of practice than stretching it out to just one more hour. I think I even lose focused. Back to the grind..... Back will probably detach today. I already walk around like a grandma!


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Been a while...

Its been a few weeks since I've posted. Haven't really had a lot to write about. We've had our ups and downs over the last few weeks, but we're making it day by day. I finally got the crib down and set the room back up into a guest room. I still don't want anyone in there except for me and Brian. Call me selfish, but that's suppose to be my baby's room, NOT a guest room. So for now we have it set up so that our house can be shown. Now if we can get our slake butt realtor to do her job, maybe just maybe she can sell it for us. If not, I'm putting a FOR SALE by owner and do it myself. 60 days left in our contract and if she doesn't sell it, she is FIRED!

But on a good note........
Thank goodness for a good time with great friends and lots of beach time. I never really grew up loving the beach, but as I've gotten older (and since I meet my hubby) I've grown to really enjoy the nice breezy days on the beach. We have our Annual Brumble Family Vacation in Myrtle Beach a week from today. Lots of family time, with lots of people. Waiting turns to shower, sleeping on couches and bunk beds, fun but hectic too. Hopefully one day we can all get a HUGE house on the beach to sleep all 20 of us, but until then we are cramped into a little condo stepping over suitcases and fighting just to go pee! (HAHAHA :) )


Monday, June 21, 2010

Not what we wanted

Well the news I was hoping to share with everyone was that Brian got the Sales Rep position with the company he works for in the Kinston area, which meant that we would be headed home...aka Greenville, NC. We where both so excited and he actually had the position until the final day of the interview process when we learned the company's HR department wanted another guy. We both cried, but have realized that Greenville is not where we are suppose to go at this time. I also had a job offer on the table at the school I coach Volleyball at, but also learned on the same day Brian did, that I wasn't the number one candidate. Came in very close at number 2, but just wasn't the person they wanted. More tears where shed, not because we didn't get the positions, but were hoping something good would come our way in 2010. Its been a pretty rough year, and we continue to get punched with bad news from all angles in our lives. However, we are both very strong individuals and we will continue to keep pressing forward in hopes that whats meant to happen will. We have to keep believing that something good is coming our way...... God we still continue to put it all in your hands!

My quotes I look to for guidance in times of adversity......

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go threw it, or work around it. " ~~ Michael Jordan


Monday, June 14, 2010

For Brian

We are still waiting to hear about our hush hush news. We should definitely know by Wednesday if its a yes or no. I think we are both getting impatient. We want this so bad, and we have to wait. We know God's path for us is getting a little brighter, we are just ready to know for sure if its what we have been praying for. Either way, if its not the news we would like to hear, we are ok with that and will continue to pray that we get it one day.

On another note....
Everyone please pray for Brian as the next 2 months are gonna be a tough one for him. Father's day is approaching(June 20th), our 2 year anniversary, and what would have been Austin's 8th month with us (June 21st). He's had a rough couple of days. And I know all to well what he's feeling with father's day approaching. I pray for God to hold his hands a little tighter as he faces father's day with out Austin. Brian is not a man to show a lot of emotions, so when I see him break, I know he is hurting. He is also gonna celebrate his 27th birthday on July 21st, which would have been Austin's 9th month with us. Please help lift him up in your prayers, he's gonna need all he can get.

Once we hear about our "news" I will be sure to tell everyone. We are very excited, and pray its gonna be a reality very very soon!


Monday, June 7, 2010

The News

I know some of you are itching for me to leak out our good news, however I have to keep it to myself for a few more days. We will know by Friday afternoon if its a yes or no. Its pretty big news for Brian and I. Like I said in my other post, Change is not always my strong point. I'm scared to death. I'm a planner and don't really care for surprises, but this surprise will be exactly what we have been praying for.... Brian has been praying for this for a long long time; I've been praying for this a little over a year. Friday, get here please!!!!!!! :-)


Sunday, June 6, 2010

4 Months Ago...

Four months ago we said good bye to our sweet baby boy. God needed him, for reasons we do not understand. I was at the pool Friday and Saturday, and there where these little boys playing with their daddy. All I could do was wonder what Austin would have been like had we had him the opportunity to see him grow into the age of those young boys. I know God helps keep me strong in those situations. And I know the parents of those boys thought I was a crazy lady, because I kept staring at them. Good thing I had sunglasses on.... Or else their mom might have asked me if I had a problem. I find myself in that situation a lot. I can not help but think about how life would be so different if Austin was still here with us. I miss him more and more everyday!

Friday, June 4, 2010

A sense of Joy

The world is a difficult place. My world especially it seems like the last few days. I've been struggling with what has been thrown at me. However, It is in these times that I try my hardest to dig deep inside my heart and let God help guide me. There has been so much going on, that I've been letting it get the best of me. When I woke up this morning I had a sense of joy (definitely God's doing). Brian and I received some pretty exciting news earlier this week, but instead of leaning on each other and being rationale, we have been knocking each other down and letting the devil control our emotions. I can't leak out the news just yet, but I will know more by the end of the day. However I can tell you this, God is answering our prayers and opening doors that we have been dreaming about for a long time. Yesterday I said a prayer, and ask God to hold my hand a little tighter. I needed him to help me with this decision. He was listening, I know he was, because this morning I was in a different state of mind. I'm putting my faith in God. He is helping me learn to embrace that change is good for the soul. He would not have brought us to this path, if he didn't think Brian and I could handle it. I know that, way down deep in my heart. As Isaiah 41:10 says, "...so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Austin keep shinning on mommy and daddy. We know your cheering for us, and learning from the greatest supporter of all.... GOD!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Home Sweet Greenville

Yes my title is exactly what it means. Home Sweet Greenville... Which to me means home sweet home and home will always be in Greenville. Close to my baby boy and all my wonderful family. Brian always replies to it as, "Kellie's whole oak tree, roots and all live in Greenville or very close by." I laugh at it because his family is all over the place, mostly Burlington, NC and Columbia, TN and South Carolina. I love home and I love being with my family. It's a feeling that is hard to explain.....It just makes you feel HOME! I'm in Greenville until Monday, while Brian has headed to Charlotte to the NASCAR 600 race Sunday. I'm not a big fan of watching cars go round and round, so I told him to go with friends and I would head HOME. B/c I would probably whine most of the day if I was stuck watching cars circle. Better for both of us if I came to home. I've been a couple of times, and it's not really that bad, but not something I really enjoy doing.

I had an old college friend of mine email me this week. She told me she was still thinking about and praying for me and Brian. She then told me she had some bad news. She lost one of her twins in April and wanted me to know that her little man is resting beside my Austin. They are barried right beside each other. When I finished reading the email, I dropped my phone and cried. Cried harder than I have in a long time. The tears and heartache I felt for her was how I felt at the hospital holding Austin for the last time. That day will forever be stamped in my mind. I told her I was sorry that she was having to experience this type of pain. I have prayed and prayed to God and wished he could tell me why, as I still find it unfair that we are having to go through this, but I then remind myself that he has a plan for us, bigger than we can know at this point. I still get teary eyed and chills just thinking about it. What are the chances of finding out from a close friend, that they too are having to go through this experience? Sad is all I can say! Very Sad!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

God's Way

Today's been pretty good. I've been a little groggy, but I'm sure it has to do with the weather. I'm currently unemployed (which is ok with me) and have no classes this summer, so I try to keep myself busy most days by keeping our house clean and orderly, and making sure Brian has clean clothes for work. He's not the neatest person in the world, so I am constantly picking up his stuff everyday. I use to get upset, but you learn when you get married there are some things to argue about and some things you just do without a word. Don't get me wrong, I get aggravated with his messiness, but if he didn't make messes then what would I do with my time? I guess its "God's Way" of keeping my mind busy! I'll take it....

I came across this quote today......

"We thought of you today, but that is nothing new. We thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. We think of you in silence, We often speak your name. All we have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which we'll never part. God has you in his arms..We have you in our heart!"...... Mommy and Daddy miss you so much baby boy! Keep shining on us!

I added the end part and also took out the "I's" and added the "We's." I felt it was a perfect quote for Brian and I at this time in our grieving process. I've seen this quote many times before, however I wasn't ready to share it as "OUR" daily quote.... But I'm ready now.

After posting the quote for Austin, I got a little emotional. It's still hard to understand why he's not with us. Brian and I miss him more and more everyday. Brian's a very quite person when it comes to grieving and I don't push asking him questions. I feel he'll talk to me when he wants too. I know he's had a hard time the last few days, so I took a lot more from this quote than saying I miss Austin. It needed to be We miss him, We love him, and We wish we could see that sweet smile again..... Because "WE" are on this emotional roller coaster together!

I also got an email from the guys at the funeral home where we had Austin's service and who helped us with our Marker for Austin's grave site. He sent me a few pictures of what the Marker looks like, (I'm happy and sad that its finally here). I know many people will say its weird to want to see your child's marker, but I wanted Austin to have the best we could give him and the Good Lord above let that happen for us. I felt after all that occured today, It was "God's Way" again for letting us know he was looking over us. Thank you Jesus for showing us your love and support as you walk with us. God Bless!


Friday, May 21, 2010

Happy 7 Month's Baby Boy

7 months ago I gave birth to my little angel,Austin Charles Brumble, at 3:18pm. He weighed 7lbs 8oz and was 21 inches long. The most exciting day of my life and I would do it countless times if I could have him back. Pain, tears, head in the pillow, etc., I would take it all on again and again if I could have him with me today. I know he's happy and playing with the other angels in heaven. I also know that God is taking better care of him than I ever could. But it doesn't take the pain away that Brian and I have everyday. Pain that so many people say will eventually go away, but I still don't believe that. I know in my heart that it will get easier, but the pain you experience with the loss of a child is a kind of pain that you can't describe, unless you've experienced it. I continue to think of how he would look today, and how big he would be. The hardest part for me is to see other people with babies that are close to the age Austin would be. I see them and my heart drops every time. Its almost like the wind is taken out of you. That pain will be with Brian and I for the rest of our lives. Nothing will make that go away, EVER.
Baby Boy.....Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so much!


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Still Thinking....

Sorry, I haven't posted in the last week. I was out of town all last week spending quality time with my family in Greenville, while Brian was away on a business trip in Atlanta. When I'm at home it just feel an overwhelming feeling.....a feeling that is hard to explain, but a feeling that let's me know I love that place and I'm so thankful to have it to go back to whenever I want. I especially love spending time with my precious niece Kenleigh. She is growing so fast and changing so much. She's starting to put her words together and it is hilarious. Every time I come around she says, "Where Brian at?" and I say, "He's at work sweetheart." She'll look at me with her big brown eyes, smile and say, "oh Kel Kel, Brian work." And then she goes on her marry way. I'm excited that she and my sister (Brandy) are coming this weekend. Having Kenleigh around makes my heart smile and continues to let me know I want to be a mother again, I want another precious baby boy or girl to have, hold, and love. I'm good at being an Aunt. Kenleigh and I have so much fun, she's my little side kick when she's around. She loves her Aunt Kel Kel (me of course).

Talk to you soon,


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Temporary Home

This is my temporary home, Its not where I belong
Windows and Rooms that I'm passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know This is my Temporary Home. (CU)

These lyrics where in my head when I woke up this morning. Kind of fits the way things are in our house right now. I've been packing and packing and packing all of Austin's things in his room over the last few weeks. Yes, I said weeks! It's not something that I am excited to do or even wanted to do. Little guy had so many nice things, its just hard to stomach that he will never be able to wear them. That I will never be able to pull those clothes out again and put them on my baby boy. I packed all his clothes that still had tags. Vacuumed sealed them and they are ready to be put in storage until we decide we are ready to have another little baby. The clothes he wore the most I've saved in the closet and when I'm ready, I'm going to make a baby quilt with them. A special quilt that we will use (God willing) on our next baby.

So As I packed the car this morning with his car seat, stroller, bathtub, highchair, lamb chair, and his changing pad I just couldn't believe that I didn't need those things again. For some reason, GOD has given me the strength to be able to do this all without tears. Strange I know, but things that have to be done, I'm doing them. Doing them with strength and courage and knowing that He has a plan for Brian and I. I'm not gonna say, I like it, but if we want this house to sell it has to be done. As I go back to the lyrics of Temporary Home, by Carrie Underwood I think of how Brian and I are passing through this house everyday, missing our baby boy, and praying that God will help us sell it quicker than we have time to pack up everything. There are way too many memories, way to many thoughts and tears, and we are looking for a NEW start.

So I end with my own lyrics for Brian and I........
This is our temporary home, It's not where we belong,
Windows and rooms that we're passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we're going
We're not afraid because we know this is our temporary home.....for now!


Monday, May 10, 2010

Still A Mommy....

These are the last few pictures I took of my sweet boy. Yesterday I stared at these photo's all day. I was dreading Mother's Day, because I wasn't sure how I was going act or feel. I didn't sleep very well Saturday night and was up earlier Sunday morning. I ate breakfast with my family then headed out to the cemetery to visit Austin and talk. Every time I pull into the cemetery, the tears start rolling. Its just not fair that I have to visit my angel, it should be the other way around. Austin should be visiting me. After I left, I drove around for a while and cried. Just wondering what he would look like, what sounds he would be making, if he would like swimming, just lots of things running threw my mind. A part of me was ready to come back to Southport, but I had to be there for my wonderful mother, sweet mother-in-law, and my precious grandma. I had to find a way to make their day special even though I was hurting so bad. When I got home my sister had bought me a Mother's Day card and had a sweet message inside. I know I'm still a mother. A mother to a precious Baby Boy, that is in heaven. I just wish I could have held him and experienced the same enjoyment that so many other's felt. God's precious gift is a child, I just wish he would've let me hold mine a little longer.

Friday, May 7, 2010


I've never heard this song until the other day when I was reading a friends blog. The minute it began to play, the tears came faster than I could stand. Its the sweetest song and describes all parts of how I feel. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. However, you may need a few tissue's, I promise you will cry.

Happy Weekend!

Positive Thinking

Yes, my title is Positive Thinking. I've seen way too many pictures of everyone and their babies over the last few days. I'm not bitter, but my heart is still broken because I don't have my baby boy anymore. Mother's Day is approaching, way to fast for me. I keep wishing it would just go away. Problem is... It's not going anywhere. I know I have to deal with it and move forward. I just wish people would be more sensitive to the position Brian and I are in. Yes, I know not everyone feels the broken heart like we do, and yes, I am still happy for everyone who has healthy babies, but it's still a touchy situation no matter how you look at it from my point of view. I'm suppose the be excited for Austin growing and learning new things, but I'm stuck here trying to understand WHY he's not with me anymore. Brian told me to just deal with Mother's Day and that we couldn't erase it.... He is right in so many ways, but to me I want it to disapear. I could care less for Sunday to get here. So many people will be posting their excitement with their new babies and families, and I will be still wondering what it would be like to have my Austin here with me. I'm still very bitter and yes most people will say to just move forward... but when you loose a baby the way Brian and I did, you can't tell me or anyone in my position how to feel or act. If you've been there, then please give me advice, but if you haven't lost a child then don't try to tell me its OK... Because honestly it will get easier, but it will NEVER be the same without him. I continue to try and move in a positive direction and put all my faith in God. I'm not gonna say its been easy, because days like today, I think of how my 7 month old baby would be moving around and relating to us. Austin's not with us and I will never understand that, but I will continue to hold on and believe that GOD has a plan for me and Brian, and I hope we understand it one day..... Or at least find PEACE.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Finally Done

Well not Finally done with all the Bull Sh** that's happened to us, but finally done with school for this semester. It took me forever to start studying for my Math 142 exam. It's suppose to be a easily review of what you did in Middle School, but since I was in Middle School over 10 years ago it's all new to me. But THANK YOU JESUS it's all done. I love Math, always have. I wish I had picked this as my first major so I could have a job already. I use to be an Exercise Specialist at ViQuest in Greenville, NC for 4.5 years. It was a job and I did love working with people, but I've known for a long time that working with kids is where I wanted to be. People say are you crazy, and I tell them yes. But I still believe it takes a special person to be a teacher. Not everyone knows how to handle the daily drama of teenagers. I, however, love being right in the middle. I've coached volleyball for over 10 years and have had the opportunity to work with many athlete's age 13 and up. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love my kids, and I know sometimes they think I'm the worst person ever, but I hope one day they understand all the hard work I put in for them. All the hours of tears(yes tears) that I put out there. I don't let many people see me break, but I'm human and I do break.. ..... Just not in front of the people I should. I guess that's the HARD ASS in me. We are all there at some point. :) God's made me a Strong individual. I wouldn't necessarily say I was, but everyone says I am. That is how I was raised. Its OK to let people know when you need guidance, but its your decision on how you want that guidance. I take the advice I'm given and take it too heart. I'm fragile and still hurt with out my baby Austin, but I make it work somehow. Keep praying for us, we need all we can get. We are still learning how to make it day to day. Its hard, but we are making it together somehow.


Monday, May 3, 2010

One of those days...

I'm not very motivated to day. The weather is hazy and I just feel like crawling back in bed and doing nothing. I wish I had the motivation to get up early and start my daily chores, but days like today, I just don't want to be bothered with anything or anyone. As I call it my daily ride on the roller coaster I was chosen to ride upon. Its filled with good days and days like today where I just want to do nothing. However, I know it's not healthy for me to lay around all day, especially considering I have one last final exam tomorrow afternoon, that I do need to study for. I know I'll pick up the book and start reading eventually, but right now I just don't really care, I'm ready for the semester to be over, so that I can focus my time and energy on getting our house organized and ready to show so we can GET IT SOLD. Hopefully sooner than later, but with the market these days, you just never know.

Our house is filled with so many sweet memories of our precious Austin, and the terrible memory when we found him lifeless in our bed. Yes, he slept with us most of the time. He needed to be cuddled and we both wanted to sleep a few hours, so that is were he would lay... as happy as he could be! He would start in his bassinet and then around 4am each morning he would be ready to eat again and then we would fall asleep together. Same routine everyday, until the horrible morning of Feb. 6Th. Brian and I both replay that day over and over again, but there's no use in beating ourselves up over something that we could not control... even though we still think we could have. God needed our baby boy for reason's we can not even begin to understand, but we are trying to keep the faith and know that he does have a plan for us.

I guess I'm a little down today because of all the Mother's Day stuff that is around. My mom was telling me the other day what she wanted for Mother's Day, and I listened, and then when she finished I said, "Mom I just want that day to come and go. I will be there with you, but my day may not be as joyful as yours." She just looked at me, hugged me and said, "Honey, I am sorry." I know I'm still a mother, I'll always be, but not having Austin here is gonna be difficult. I know I'll make it and on the outside I'll be the strong individual God has made me, but inside I'll be hurting, as I do everyday.

Brian gave me a Remembering A Son With Love Cross for my birthday. I'll leave you with this Quote, "Each day we see your face, We hear your voice and miss you, dear Son. Your time was far too brief. You live FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS."


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Stay Motivated

I've had a rough couple of days. Schools ending so I have been stressed with last minute assignments and trying to study for my finals. I'm currently back in school pursuing my middle mathematics certification. However, after this semester I'm learning that I love more complex mathematics than the Geometry and Middle School study plans. I guess my advisor is gonna think I'm crazy because now I want to move to the High School curriculum. Guess that's why we take classes to figure this stuff out along the way.

My husband and I actually got some good news Tuesday, despite all my stress. He was promoted to manager of his store. Which means a pretty good salary increase, but A LOT of hours at work. I am so excited for him. He has been working towards this for a while now. We've had some bad luck the last few months, so anything good to help us keep moving forward I'll take it.

We still and always will miss baby Austin more and more. The next few months are gonna get harder. Mother's day, Father's day, Brian's Birthday, the beach week... So many things we should be excited about, things we had planned to do with Austin, well the excitement just isn't there. We've made it this far, which isn't as long as most people in our position, but being strong is not a choice, its a daily act for us both.

Well that's all I got today. Still trying to figure out how to make my page more appealing and creative. In due time....


Sunday, April 25, 2010

My first blog

I was hesitant at first to start my own blog, however after reading a friends, I decided that it was time to let the world know what is/and does go on in my life daily.

My husband Brian and I just recently lost our baby boy, Austin Charles Brumble, to what they call SIDS. He was a happy, healthy little boy that gave us so much happiness and excitement, that its just painful to understand why GOD took our precious baby boy away. Not a day goes by that we don't think of precious baby Austin and wonder what our life would be like if he was still with us.

He was his daddy from head to toe. However, he did have my Blue eyes and fair skin, but everything else about him was all from his daddy. He was a true Lil' Brumble as we called him! He was my whole heart and kept me on my toes all day long. I can still remember him crying because he wanted his mommy to hold him. Not just anyone could settle him, it was just me. As soon as I would pick him up he would give me that beautiful smile and just relax. Its amazing how babies know who their mommy's are and how a mommy can make everything better.

I was fortunate to stay at home with him. Brian and I both agreed that daycare was not where we wanted to send him. Not that we are against daycare, but that we both wanted Austin to be at home for the first year, to keep him out of the doctors office with sniffles and colds that most infants experience due to daycare and other infants they are around. I was blessed that God allowed me to be a stay-at-home mom and that Brian was willing to sacrifice his sanity for both Austin and I. There were times I thought we were both gonna break, but we managed to make it and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Well that's all I got right now. I promise to keep posting blogs as much as I can. I've decided that it will be a good way for me to see my progress and write about my journey. I've been keeping up with a couple of parents who have lost their child in the same way that we lost our sweet little Austin. I want to be able to read through my posts and see how I've grown from now til whenever that day is..... God Bless everyone and I hope to find guidance through the help of so many others who have experienced the loss of a child as Brian and I have!