I wonder at times what makes for the perfect life. People are always bragging about the perfect husband, the perfect family, and the perfect kids. But really, are they all so perfect or do they paint us a picture of happiness that we wish we had? My life is not perfect, I will be honest to say that. I struggle day-to-day to make sense of life. To be quite honest with everyone, I have more bad days than good days. My grieving stages are like a roller coaster. Some days I can make sense of things, and then their are days like today when I just want to be shut out from the rest of the world. I want to crawl in my little box and not be bothered with anything. I know I'm difficult during these days, because my attitude and patience is short. One little thing will trigger me and I'm quick to say what's on my mind not even thinking about whom I may be hurting. I just don't care.
Yesterday at Thanksgiving I sat there watching my cousins 2 little boys and niece run around the house playing. Sitting in front of the tree taking pictures together, sitting with Grandma smiling and posing for pictures. It was the sweetest thing to see, however I don't think I broke a smile. All I could do was think about little Austin. He would be 13 months old, trying to walk and crawl right behind all 3 of them. I kept thinking, "this is not fair." Why does my little buddy have to be gone? Why were we picked to lose at child? I know the holiday's will never be the same, because a piece of my heart is gone. A piece that will never be replaced no matter how many children I have in the future. I am thankful that God is giving me a chance to be a mother again, and this baby is wanted more than words can explain. I pray everyday that He will let me keep this precious peanut growing inside of me. All I can do is keep the faith, trust in the Big Man, and wait to see what He has in store for me.