Friday, May 28, 2010

Home Sweet Greenville

Yes my title is exactly what it means. Home Sweet Greenville... Which to me means home sweet home and home will always be in Greenville. Close to my baby boy and all my wonderful family. Brian always replies to it as, "Kellie's whole oak tree, roots and all live in Greenville or very close by." I laugh at it because his family is all over the place, mostly Burlington, NC and Columbia, TN and South Carolina. I love home and I love being with my family. It's a feeling that is hard to explain.....It just makes you feel HOME! I'm in Greenville until Monday, while Brian has headed to Charlotte to the NASCAR 600 race Sunday. I'm not a big fan of watching cars go round and round, so I told him to go with friends and I would head HOME. B/c I would probably whine most of the day if I was stuck watching cars circle. Better for both of us if I came to home. I've been a couple of times, and it's not really that bad, but not something I really enjoy doing.

I had an old college friend of mine email me this week. She told me she was still thinking about and praying for me and Brian. She then told me she had some bad news. She lost one of her twins in April and wanted me to know that her little man is resting beside my Austin. They are barried right beside each other. When I finished reading the email, I dropped my phone and cried. Cried harder than I have in a long time. The tears and heartache I felt for her was how I felt at the hospital holding Austin for the last time. That day will forever be stamped in my mind. I told her I was sorry that she was having to experience this type of pain. I have prayed and prayed to God and wished he could tell me why, as I still find it unfair that we are having to go through this, but I then remind myself that he has a plan for us, bigger than we can know at this point. I still get teary eyed and chills just thinking about it. What are the chances of finding out from a close friend, that they too are having to go through this experience? Sad is all I can say! Very Sad!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

God's Way

Today's been pretty good. I've been a little groggy, but I'm sure it has to do with the weather. I'm currently unemployed (which is ok with me) and have no classes this summer, so I try to keep myself busy most days by keeping our house clean and orderly, and making sure Brian has clean clothes for work. He's not the neatest person in the world, so I am constantly picking up his stuff everyday. I use to get upset, but you learn when you get married there are some things to argue about and some things you just do without a word. Don't get me wrong, I get aggravated with his messiness, but if he didn't make messes then what would I do with my time? I guess its "God's Way" of keeping my mind busy! I'll take it....

I came across this quote today......

"We thought of you today, but that is nothing new. We thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. We think of you in silence, We often speak your name. All we have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which we'll never part. God has you in his arms..We have you in our heart!"...... Mommy and Daddy miss you so much baby boy! Keep shining on us!

I added the end part and also took out the "I's" and added the "We's." I felt it was a perfect quote for Brian and I at this time in our grieving process. I've seen this quote many times before, however I wasn't ready to share it as "OUR" daily quote.... But I'm ready now.

After posting the quote for Austin, I got a little emotional. It's still hard to understand why he's not with us. Brian and I miss him more and more everyday. Brian's a very quite person when it comes to grieving and I don't push asking him questions. I feel he'll talk to me when he wants too. I know he's had a hard time the last few days, so I took a lot more from this quote than saying I miss Austin. It needed to be We miss him, We love him, and We wish we could see that sweet smile again..... Because "WE" are on this emotional roller coaster together!

I also got an email from the guys at the funeral home where we had Austin's service and who helped us with our Marker for Austin's grave site. He sent me a few pictures of what the Marker looks like, (I'm happy and sad that its finally here). I know many people will say its weird to want to see your child's marker, but I wanted Austin to have the best we could give him and the Good Lord above let that happen for us. I felt after all that occured today, It was "God's Way" again for letting us know he was looking over us. Thank you Jesus for showing us your love and support as you walk with us. God Bless!


Friday, May 21, 2010

Happy 7 Month's Baby Boy

7 months ago I gave birth to my little angel,Austin Charles Brumble, at 3:18pm. He weighed 7lbs 8oz and was 21 inches long. The most exciting day of my life and I would do it countless times if I could have him back. Pain, tears, head in the pillow, etc., I would take it all on again and again if I could have him with me today. I know he's happy and playing with the other angels in heaven. I also know that God is taking better care of him than I ever could. But it doesn't take the pain away that Brian and I have everyday. Pain that so many people say will eventually go away, but I still don't believe that. I know in my heart that it will get easier, but the pain you experience with the loss of a child is a kind of pain that you can't describe, unless you've experienced it. I continue to think of how he would look today, and how big he would be. The hardest part for me is to see other people with babies that are close to the age Austin would be. I see them and my heart drops every time. Its almost like the wind is taken out of you. That pain will be with Brian and I for the rest of our lives. Nothing will make that go away, EVER.
Baby Boy.....Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so much!


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Still Thinking....

Sorry, I haven't posted in the last week. I was out of town all last week spending quality time with my family in Greenville, while Brian was away on a business trip in Atlanta. When I'm at home it just feel an overwhelming feeling.....a feeling that is hard to explain, but a feeling that let's me know I love that place and I'm so thankful to have it to go back to whenever I want. I especially love spending time with my precious niece Kenleigh. She is growing so fast and changing so much. She's starting to put her words together and it is hilarious. Every time I come around she says, "Where Brian at?" and I say, "He's at work sweetheart." She'll look at me with her big brown eyes, smile and say, "oh Kel Kel, Brian work." And then she goes on her marry way. I'm excited that she and my sister (Brandy) are coming this weekend. Having Kenleigh around makes my heart smile and continues to let me know I want to be a mother again, I want another precious baby boy or girl to have, hold, and love. I'm good at being an Aunt. Kenleigh and I have so much fun, she's my little side kick when she's around. She loves her Aunt Kel Kel (me of course).

Talk to you soon,


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Temporary Home

This is my temporary home, Its not where I belong
Windows and Rooms that I'm passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know This is my Temporary Home. (CU)

These lyrics where in my head when I woke up this morning. Kind of fits the way things are in our house right now. I've been packing and packing and packing all of Austin's things in his room over the last few weeks. Yes, I said weeks! It's not something that I am excited to do or even wanted to do. Little guy had so many nice things, its just hard to stomach that he will never be able to wear them. That I will never be able to pull those clothes out again and put them on my baby boy. I packed all his clothes that still had tags. Vacuumed sealed them and they are ready to be put in storage until we decide we are ready to have another little baby. The clothes he wore the most I've saved in the closet and when I'm ready, I'm going to make a baby quilt with them. A special quilt that we will use (God willing) on our next baby.

So As I packed the car this morning with his car seat, stroller, bathtub, highchair, lamb chair, and his changing pad I just couldn't believe that I didn't need those things again. For some reason, GOD has given me the strength to be able to do this all without tears. Strange I know, but things that have to be done, I'm doing them. Doing them with strength and courage and knowing that He has a plan for Brian and I. I'm not gonna say, I like it, but if we want this house to sell it has to be done. As I go back to the lyrics of Temporary Home, by Carrie Underwood I think of how Brian and I are passing through this house everyday, missing our baby boy, and praying that God will help us sell it quicker than we have time to pack up everything. There are way too many memories, way to many thoughts and tears, and we are looking for a NEW start.

So I end with my own lyrics for Brian and I........
This is our temporary home, It's not where we belong,
Windows and rooms that we're passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where we're going
We're not afraid because we know this is our temporary home.....for now!


Monday, May 10, 2010

Still A Mommy....

These are the last few pictures I took of my sweet boy. Yesterday I stared at these photo's all day. I was dreading Mother's Day, because I wasn't sure how I was going act or feel. I didn't sleep very well Saturday night and was up earlier Sunday morning. I ate breakfast with my family then headed out to the cemetery to visit Austin and talk. Every time I pull into the cemetery, the tears start rolling. Its just not fair that I have to visit my angel, it should be the other way around. Austin should be visiting me. After I left, I drove around for a while and cried. Just wondering what he would look like, what sounds he would be making, if he would like swimming, just lots of things running threw my mind. A part of me was ready to come back to Southport, but I had to be there for my wonderful mother, sweet mother-in-law, and my precious grandma. I had to find a way to make their day special even though I was hurting so bad. When I got home my sister had bought me a Mother's Day card and had a sweet message inside. I know I'm still a mother. A mother to a precious Baby Boy, that is in heaven. I just wish I could have held him and experienced the same enjoyment that so many other's felt. God's precious gift is a child, I just wish he would've let me hold mine a little longer.

Friday, May 7, 2010


I've never heard this song until the other day when I was reading a friends blog. The minute it began to play, the tears came faster than I could stand. Its the sweetest song and describes all parts of how I feel. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. However, you may need a few tissue's, I promise you will cry.

Happy Weekend!

Positive Thinking

Yes, my title is Positive Thinking. I've seen way too many pictures of everyone and their babies over the last few days. I'm not bitter, but my heart is still broken because I don't have my baby boy anymore. Mother's Day is approaching, way to fast for me. I keep wishing it would just go away. Problem is... It's not going anywhere. I know I have to deal with it and move forward. I just wish people would be more sensitive to the position Brian and I are in. Yes, I know not everyone feels the broken heart like we do, and yes, I am still happy for everyone who has healthy babies, but it's still a touchy situation no matter how you look at it from my point of view. I'm suppose the be excited for Austin growing and learning new things, but I'm stuck here trying to understand WHY he's not with me anymore. Brian told me to just deal with Mother's Day and that we couldn't erase it.... He is right in so many ways, but to me I want it to disapear. I could care less for Sunday to get here. So many people will be posting their excitement with their new babies and families, and I will be still wondering what it would be like to have my Austin here with me. I'm still very bitter and yes most people will say to just move forward... but when you loose a baby the way Brian and I did, you can't tell me or anyone in my position how to feel or act. If you've been there, then please give me advice, but if you haven't lost a child then don't try to tell me its OK... Because honestly it will get easier, but it will NEVER be the same without him. I continue to try and move in a positive direction and put all my faith in God. I'm not gonna say its been easy, because days like today, I think of how my 7 month old baby would be moving around and relating to us. Austin's not with us and I will never understand that, but I will continue to hold on and believe that GOD has a plan for me and Brian, and I hope we understand it one day..... Or at least find PEACE.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Finally Done

Well not Finally done with all the Bull Sh** that's happened to us, but finally done with school for this semester. It took me forever to start studying for my Math 142 exam. It's suppose to be a easily review of what you did in Middle School, but since I was in Middle School over 10 years ago it's all new to me. But THANK YOU JESUS it's all done. I love Math, always have. I wish I had picked this as my first major so I could have a job already. I use to be an Exercise Specialist at ViQuest in Greenville, NC for 4.5 years. It was a job and I did love working with people, but I've known for a long time that working with kids is where I wanted to be. People say are you crazy, and I tell them yes. But I still believe it takes a special person to be a teacher. Not everyone knows how to handle the daily drama of teenagers. I, however, love being right in the middle. I've coached volleyball for over 10 years and have had the opportunity to work with many athlete's age 13 and up. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love my kids, and I know sometimes they think I'm the worst person ever, but I hope one day they understand all the hard work I put in for them. All the hours of tears(yes tears) that I put out there. I don't let many people see me break, but I'm human and I do break.. ..... Just not in front of the people I should. I guess that's the HARD ASS in me. We are all there at some point. :) God's made me a Strong individual. I wouldn't necessarily say I was, but everyone says I am. That is how I was raised. Its OK to let people know when you need guidance, but its your decision on how you want that guidance. I take the advice I'm given and take it too heart. I'm fragile and still hurt with out my baby Austin, but I make it work somehow. Keep praying for us, we need all we can get. We are still learning how to make it day to day. Its hard, but we are making it together somehow.


Monday, May 3, 2010

One of those days...

I'm not very motivated to day. The weather is hazy and I just feel like crawling back in bed and doing nothing. I wish I had the motivation to get up early and start my daily chores, but days like today, I just don't want to be bothered with anything or anyone. As I call it my daily ride on the roller coaster I was chosen to ride upon. Its filled with good days and days like today where I just want to do nothing. However, I know it's not healthy for me to lay around all day, especially considering I have one last final exam tomorrow afternoon, that I do need to study for. I know I'll pick up the book and start reading eventually, but right now I just don't really care, I'm ready for the semester to be over, so that I can focus my time and energy on getting our house organized and ready to show so we can GET IT SOLD. Hopefully sooner than later, but with the market these days, you just never know.

Our house is filled with so many sweet memories of our precious Austin, and the terrible memory when we found him lifeless in our bed. Yes, he slept with us most of the time. He needed to be cuddled and we both wanted to sleep a few hours, so that is were he would lay... as happy as he could be! He would start in his bassinet and then around 4am each morning he would be ready to eat again and then we would fall asleep together. Same routine everyday, until the horrible morning of Feb. 6Th. Brian and I both replay that day over and over again, but there's no use in beating ourselves up over something that we could not control... even though we still think we could have. God needed our baby boy for reason's we can not even begin to understand, but we are trying to keep the faith and know that he does have a plan for us.

I guess I'm a little down today because of all the Mother's Day stuff that is around. My mom was telling me the other day what she wanted for Mother's Day, and I listened, and then when she finished I said, "Mom I just want that day to come and go. I will be there with you, but my day may not be as joyful as yours." She just looked at me, hugged me and said, "Honey, I am sorry." I know I'm still a mother, I'll always be, but not having Austin here is gonna be difficult. I know I'll make it and on the outside I'll be the strong individual God has made me, but inside I'll be hurting, as I do everyday.

Brian gave me a Remembering A Son With Love Cross for my birthday. I'll leave you with this Quote, "Each day we see your face, We hear your voice and miss you, dear Son. Your time was far too brief. You live FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS."