I'm not very motivated to day. The weather is hazy and I just feel like crawling back in bed and doing nothing. I wish I had the motivation to get up early and start my daily chores, but days like today, I just don't want to be bothered with anything or anyone. As I call it my daily ride on the roller coaster I was chosen to ride upon. Its filled with good days and days like today where I just want to do nothing. However, I know it's not healthy for me to lay around all day, especially considering I have one last final exam tomorrow afternoon, that I do need to study for. I know I'll pick up the book and start reading eventually, but right now I just don't really care, I'm ready for the semester to be over, so that I can focus my time and energy on getting our house organized and ready to show so we can GET IT SOLD. Hopefully sooner than later, but with the market these days, you just never know.
Our house is filled with so many sweet memories of our precious Austin, and the terrible memory when we found him lifeless in our bed. Yes, he slept with us most of the time. He needed to be cuddled and we both wanted to sleep a few hours, so that is were he would lay... as happy as he could be! He would start in his bassinet and then around 4am each morning he would be ready to eat again and then we would fall asleep together. Same routine everyday, until the horrible morning of Feb. 6Th. Brian and I both replay that day over and over again, but there's no use in beating ourselves up over something that we could not control... even though we still think we could have. God needed our baby boy for reason's we can not even begin to understand, but we are trying to keep the faith and know that he does have a plan for us.
I guess I'm a little down today because of all the Mother's Day stuff that is around. My mom was telling me the other day what she wanted for Mother's Day, and I listened, and then when she finished I said, "Mom I just want that day to come and go. I will be there with you, but my day may not be as joyful as yours." She just looked at me, hugged me and said, "Honey, I am sorry." I know I'm still a mother, I'll always be, but not having Austin here is gonna be difficult. I know I'll make it and on the outside I'll be the strong individual God has made me, but inside I'll be hurting, as I do everyday.
Brian gave me a Remembering A Son With Love Cross for my birthday. I'll leave you with this Quote, "Each day we see your face, We hear your voice and miss you, dear Son. Your time was far too brief. You live FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS."