Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to tell everyone what you really feel? Well, I'm having one of those days today. I know I'm on edge because in 4 days Brian and I will have to struggle with how we felt on February 6, 2010. A day that I wish I could change and a day I never hope to experience ever again. I know in some strange way we've become different people. I know people think its ok to talk about their feelings or what scares them about their own children, and I've learned to just smile and nod most of the time, but the answer I always give them when they go on and on about whatever the topic may be, is that at least you get a chance to plan. Brian and I didn't get the opportunity to plan Austin's life. He was taken from us way to early. We didn't get a warning sign or a doctor's prediction. We had to deal with losing our son in the most horrible way possible. Seeing him lay in bed limp, with no sign of hope that he was gonna wake up. I replay that morning over and over again. Why wasn't I able to help him? Why didn't I hear him cry? Why wasn't I awake to make sure he was ok? So many questions and so many thoughts of which I will live with the rest of my life.
Where has my compassion gone for other people? Why do I get aggravated so easily when people complain? I lost a part of me when Austin passed away. My heart has a big hole in the middle and it will never be replaced. I know the next few days are going to be full of emotions, I just pray God will hold Brian and I's hands a little tighter as we approach the day we lost sweet Austin.
When you have truly loved someone the pain you experience never goes away. You carry that pain everywhere you go and you learn how to manage that pain one day at a time.
We are ready to be parents again. Scared to death, of course, but willing to give it another try and praying that God let's up keep this little boy a whole lot longer. I don't think I can survive losing another child, but I know and trust that God knows that too.