Putting in out there..

I haven't had time in a few months to update my blog quite the way I wanted to, so I apologized for the few people that like hearing my story and like staying updated on our sweet little Andrew.

With that being said..... I mentioned a while back that I wanted to use this blog more to vent and put real life feelings out there. I don't need a lot of attention, never have, so when I feel something is worth writing about I try to find the time to write about it and just "vent" as I like to call it. A person's true personality is reveal when things get heated. Stress puts most people in the "REAL" category as I like to call it too. I am a firm believer in telling things like it is and not painting a roses picture of perfection. Which brings me to this blog entry. I just don't understand the people out there that use social networking as a tool to explain what they do every minute of everyday. I'm not perfect in this category by any mean, but I always wonder what really makes people think that the world needs to know every single detail of their life? I'm sure it has to do with the type of person you are and how you were taught to handle different situations as you have grown up, I just always find myself wondering why people like putting every little detail about their life out there for everyone to comment on. It just doesn't make a lot of sense for the world to know everyday what my emotional status is or what I may be thinking. I like posting quotes that give me strength and I hope that other people who follow me here and on my other social networks find the positives from my postings. I also like to update pictures and put time lines together of the most important things in my life which is my family and my children. However, I don't need to show everyone that I'm struggling with my loss. Everyone expects the struggle that Brian and I face. There will never be a day that we don't think of our sweet little Austin and wish for him to be with us. Our situation is one that many people have faced and will continue to face as the world turns. I know I find my strength in the positive environments that come our way. I don't want or need to have someone hold my hand and tell me its gonna be ok and that God has a plan for us. I already know that and I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Struggles help shape us individuals. If you don't believe me, just look a something that didn't go your way, and see what the conclusion resulted in..... Better things seem to find us if we allow it too. :)

And before I end here, I hope that no one takes this post as pointing finger. I'm just writing about the overall feeling I have for what A LOT of people do with their social networking sites. I am in no way judging anyone. We are all different. Exactly how God planned it!

Happy Thursday!
KELLIE

Happy 2nd Birthday Austin

October will always be a month that bring our family together. Most families are planning what their children will be for Halloween and decorating their yards and houses with pumpkins and fall decor. However, for our family its a month to reflect on our time 2 years ago when our first baby boy entered the world. Brian and I never knew that October 21, 2009 would change our lives forever. We welcomed Austin Charles into our growing family with so much love. The kind of love you never experience until you have a child. Little did we know that God would need him 3 months later. We still struggle with the what ifs, and the if only..... but we know Austin is in a better place. A place that is filled with happiness and love. So as I sit here and type this post, I continue to reflect on the fun times we had with Austin for those short 3 months. We talk daily about what/who he would look like now, what things he would enjoy, and who's personality his would resemble. Oh... how our lives would be different if we had both our babies.

Happy 2nd Birthday Austin. You will always be our little Angel. The best costume ever!

KELLIE

Finally

Its a few months since I've blogged and I apologize for not giving my frequent readers a little insight into The Brumble's household. Brian and I both are in a learning process of give and take. I'm learning to lean on him more and more each day. I had a breaking point a few weeks ago and told him, "I need more help from him." I think it threw him off guard, because I handle everything in our household except the job of a paying paycheck. However, I was running on empty and needed him to step up and help without me having to always ask. If the baby is screaming and I'm doing something else, pick him up. If the baby needs another bottle, make it. If the babies diaper is dirty, change it. I don't expect him to read my mind, but I do expect him to think outside the box sometimes. We have now put planning to work. I plan out what I want him to do and then he has a little direction of what I want from him. It's a learning process, but we're making it. Like I said before, "It's give and take in our household." He's learning, and everyone I've asked advice from says their husbands are the same way. Knowing that I'm not the only crazy mother/wife out there let me relax just a little.

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Little Andrew is 4 months old. Parenthood has hit a milestone. Austin was 3 months old when he passed away, so all the changes and learning skills Andrew is developing daily brings us all to the questions of "what if," but that's another blog worth sharing in a few more days...... hopefully. :)

Kellie

What's to come

My blog is starting to look at little boring... well let's be honest really boring. I've had a lot going on. Trying to adjust to motherhood again and adjust to all that life is throwing at me. A few weeks ago I was at my breaking point. I'm struggling with postpartum depression. My doctor and Mid-wife told me I would probably experience some ups and downs as I adjusted to motherhood again. Lots of old feelings continue to weigh heavily on my heart. The fact that I'm still grieving the loss of a child, plus trying to adjust to all the demands my sweet Andrew has too, has me on edge.

I wrote down a list of emotions the other week and put it aside. I wasn't sure if it was worth sharing, but every night I overlook the list and still feel just as strongly about these words as I did 2 weeks ago. My goal is to write about each of these feelings and take my blog in a direction that is meaningful to me. I'm a straight shooter. To have a blog that tells a fairytale would not be who I am. I want to give my honest opinion and my outlook on many topics in which I hope to make available to more and more readers. Below is my little poem I wrote (at least I think it sounds like a poem) of all that I have inside of me that I want to let out.

Why don't people understand?
A crying infant,
Dealing with Grief,
A husband that doesn't understand.
People annoying the shit out of me.
What do I say?
What do I do?
Is failure acceptable?
Why is life so hard?
Why don't people understand.

Sorry if you think I'm a terrible person or just plain crazy, but like I said the other day on my facebook status....."we keep it real in our household." There's no silver lining in our marriage, our life, or our friendships. We keep it real and tell it like it is. You love us or you hate us. There is no in between. I'm a mother who is still struggling (I always will) with the death of her first son. I'm a mother of 2 sweet little boys one in heaven and one on earth. I have good days and I have bad days and lately as I struggle with Postpartum Depression... I just have days.....

Kellie