What's to come

My blog is starting to look at little boring... well let's be honest really boring. I've had a lot going on. Trying to adjust to motherhood again and adjust to all that life is throwing at me. A few weeks ago I was at my breaking point. I'm struggling with postpartum depression. My doctor and Mid-wife told me I would probably experience some ups and downs as I adjusted to motherhood again. Lots of old feelings continue to weigh heavily on my heart. The fact that I'm still grieving the loss of a child, plus trying to adjust to all the demands my sweet Andrew has too, has me on edge.

I wrote down a list of emotions the other week and put it aside. I wasn't sure if it was worth sharing, but every night I overlook the list and still feel just as strongly about these words as I did 2 weeks ago. My goal is to write about each of these feelings and take my blog in a direction that is meaningful to me. I'm a straight shooter. To have a blog that tells a fairytale would not be who I am. I want to give my honest opinion and my outlook on many topics in which I hope to make available to more and more readers. Below is my little poem I wrote (at least I think it sounds like a poem) of all that I have inside of me that I want to let out.

Why don't people understand?
A crying infant,
Dealing with Grief,
A husband that doesn't understand.
People annoying the shit out of me.
What do I say?
What do I do?
Is failure acceptable?
Why is life so hard?
Why don't people understand.

Sorry if you think I'm a terrible person or just plain crazy, but like I said the other day on my facebook status....."we keep it real in our household." There's no silver lining in our marriage, our life, or our friendships. We keep it real and tell it like it is. You love us or you hate us. There is no in between. I'm a mother who is still struggling (I always will) with the death of her first son. I'm a mother of 2 sweet little boys one in heaven and one on earth. I have good days and I have bad days and lately as I struggle with Postpartum Depression... I just have days.....

Kellie

Sweet Andrew is Here

3 weeks old sitting in daddy's chair
2 weeks

2.5 weeks

So sweet

Getting a bath.

1 week old

I'm here!

Andrew David was born on May 23, 2011 at 9:08pm. Weight 8.1lbs, 19.5 inches long. Its amazing how much he looks like his older brother. We are adjusting and enjoying every minute with Andrew. So Far, he's been a good baby. Naps often, eats non-stop, and sleeps at least 3 or 4 hours at a time during the evening. Enjoy the sweet pictures of Andrew in his first 4 weeks with us. Lots of smiles and love to share with this little boy. He is special to all of us in so many ways.

Kellie

The Question

I was going to write about "the question" a while back, but never got around to it. I figured it was "the question" I would always have to deal with being pregnant and then once our sweet little Andrew arrives. However, for some reason "the question" has come up in conversation more than I would like these last few weeks. Yes, I understand I will always answer "the question" depending on my mood or what might keep the conversation going or have the conversation end. Mostly I like when people just say cool, and move on. However, lately "the question" has interested people (complete strangers) to keep digging.

"The Question" as I call it, that leads into a journal of questions is...... "Is this your first child?"

Which leads me into this type of conversation with a complete stranger.

Me: "No its my 2nd child."

Stranger: Oh, do you know what you're having?

Me: Yes, a boy!

Stranger: What is your first child?

Me: A boy!

Stranger: Oh you are destine to have all boys. So will you try for a girl one day?

Me: I guess. We might, trying to have this baby boy first.

Stranger: So how old is your first child? And aren't you glad you don't have to go through the summer heat pregnant.

Ok, this is the part that makes me want to get up and walk away, but I know people are just trying to be nice. Most of the time the conversation will end with me saying its a boy and yes, we are excited to have 2 baby boys. But when the person continues to ask questions, I've found that its just easier to keep them thinking that Austin is still here. I'm not necessarily lying, but it keeps the smiles and not the reaction of oh my gosh I'm so sorry.

I really wish people wouldn't be so damn noisy. I'm not afraid to tell my story of Austin, it actually brings a lot of joy to me to talk about him. But for some reason, people feel the need to keep pushing, when they should just shut-up.

I had a lady at the beach a few weeks back, talk about what happens while you're in labor. She was going on and on and on, and I tried to keep the conversation flowing the best I could without her asking me the dreaded questions. Then she asked how big my first child was today, that's when I had to tell her, I lost my first child at 3 months. Of course the look on her face was like she had saw a ghost. She teared up and walked away. She assumed that this was my first child from the start and continued to dig the hole deeper and deeper with her conversation. She even said at one time, "you just gotta push that baby out and they will be there for you to hug and kiss forever." I know she meant well, but I wish she had just left the whole situation alone.

Oh the joy of complete strangers asking innocent questions. Kind of like the saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover." People need not to assume, everyone has the same happily ever after.

KELLIE

Thinking

I'm up pretty late tonight. Actually its 12:38am, so I guess its early morning to some people. I have a lot on my mind. Just thinking of the next few weeks that will lead us to meeting our new little baby boy. We've got his name finally. Andrew David Brumble is expected to arrive on May 27th, 2011. I say all the time I'm ready for him to make his appearance, but deep down I know I'm scared to death. I've begun to think about his older brother Austin more and more these last few weeks. My father-in-law and I had a long conversation tonight about little Austin and how we still don't understand why he was taken away from us so soon. I can tell the anxiety in everyone is starting to kick in. We are all nervous, scared, and excited at the same time. I know Andrew is going to bring that sunshine back into our lives that we lost when Austin passed away. However, we all are human, and to say no one is scared to death would be an understatement. How long will Andrew be with us? How long is God's plan for our family to be together? These are just a few of the questions that run through my mind continuously everyday. I'm scared to death of what the future holds. All I can do is pray that God allows me a smooth and healthy delivery. I know I have to put it all in HIS hands, and I do, but I'm not gonna say that I'm not scared.

KELLIE